Pearls & Perfection Pending

I remember sitting at a zone conference on my mission one day.  It was hot.  There was a bug crawling across the floor.  We were behind in our monthly goals just like a lot of other companionships.  Everyone needed a little inspiration.  Or maybe just some cold Pepsi. My mission president started talking about his landscaping back home.  I was lost for while, but then he taught a simple principle that I have always remembered.  He talked about how we always have to cut the grass.  Regardless of the amount of care we provide for our flowers, or the number of hours we spend weeding, we will still always have to cut the grass.  When our grass is healthy and growing fast, we have to cut it even more often. The only time we don't have to cut our grass is when it is dead. In our lives, we have grass to cut regardless of our circumstances.  We get everything organized, we set goals, our houses are clean, and we think we are good to ...

Have you ever felt anxious?  I like to think that I am a fairly grounded, reasonable person.  I tell myself that I am down-to-earth and that I go with the flow.  These are lies.  It's much easier to lie to myself than to simplify my life, let go of the things that make me crazy, and actually become that person I tell myself I already am.  This week I have been feeling anxious.  Not the unbearable-panic-attack kind, just the unsettled-mind-won't-stop-making-lists kind.  I can't seem to turn it off.  When I am sitting, I am worrying.  When I am working, my mind is racing.  When I am laying in bed, I am mentally creating check-lists of things I haven't done yet. I know what real anxiety feels like.  In the past three years, I have had three major panic attacks.  I never knew what a panic attack even was until I found myself in the middle of one.  They're not fun; I can tell you that much. The first one was at school....

Yesterday I had yet another of my famous panic attacks. This is becoming quite ridiculous. I have a very difficult time controlling my negative thoughts about myself when these begin. I don't know what the cause is or why I have suddenly developed this habit, but I sure hope it is not permanent. Today, I was fine. The words to a song I used to sing in high school kept running through my mind: "Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again." I just had to wake up this morning and think those things. I reflected a lot on what Elder Eyring said too. When I am tired and don't feel like doing what I should need to remind myself to remember Him. Elder Oaks said, "Some people live the gospel with “short, frenzied outbursts of emotion,” followed by long periods of lapse or by performance that is intermittent or sputtering. What we need in living the gospel is “the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.” I hope I can come closer to thi...