Pearls & Perfection Pending

Most of the choices I have had to make in my life have been between right and wrong, or a selection of one option among many.  I haven't often been required to make choices of elimination where I have two great things, but must sacrifice one in order to keep the other.   When I made the decision to apply to BYU, it was an easy choice.  I could choose any university I wanted, but that was the only one I had interest in.  I had always wanted to go there.  My best friends all wanted to go there.  I applied early.  I was accepted.  It was great.  I was anxious of course to know whether I would get in or not, but I never had to act on my back-up plans.   My choice to go on a mission was a little more tricky, but still obvious.  I had wanted to serve a mission from the time I was 15, and although other opportunities presented themselves along the way, like school and boys, when the time came, there wasn't much to think about. ...

Today I am really grateful for the 25 sets of eyes that look to me everyday to hold it together.  There are a lot of days that I wake up (sometimes after a long, hard fight) with no desire to do anything.  Sometimes I wake up feeling gross and wishing more than anything that I could go to bed.  Today wasn't the worst, but it was not one of those excited-for-life mornings that David keeps trying to convince me exist.  Despite all of my early morning woes, I get ready and make it to work. Somehow, no matter how I fell or what I'd rather be doing, I see those kids who look to me for answers to all of their daily problems and I manage to pull myself together.  I don't really know how I do it, because when I am at home, I can't even get myself a glass of milk without whining when I am tired.  Magically, I become superhuman.  I pray the whole way to work that I can make it a good day for these kids who depend upon me to have a good day themselves.  ...

I did it again.  An angry, irresponsible Mom called me this morning at 7:55 informing me of every reason under the sun that I am a horrible teacher.  I dealt with this last year and read a lot about how to come off conqueror this year.  I told myself all about how angry people need validation.  They are angry for a reason and I need to show empathy.  I need to remember that they, like myself, have this poor kid in mind when they turn on the spigot of ignorant and unkind nonsense that pours freely out of their mouths  speak.  Yet, when I picked up the phone and listened to insult after insult, my defenses kicked in and that kind, validating woman I'd hoped to be hightailed it out of there.  The sassy, "oh no you didn't" version of myself came out and I couldn't stop myself from thinking horrible things about this woman whom I have never met. I tried to make it through the conversation calmly, especially since my entire class was listening...