"I call redo!"

Anytime we made mistakes playing games or doing anything really, as little kids (especially playing 4-square), we would yell, "I call redo!"  This was the all-inclusive, error-erasing phrase that could never be contested, and always allowed one the chance to try again.  You could use this phrase in many circumstances: when you messed up yourself, or when others messed up in a way that gave you a disadvantage.  Either way, it was a saving grace throughout my childhood.

Well, today, I call redo.

Earlier this week, I posted about my thoughts on the "Wear pants to church" controversy that people were talking about all over Facebook and in the news.  I had one friend who helped me to see that I hadn't really considered all sides of the story.  I am grateful for the time she took to point out some of my unjust and partly ignorant thinking. Just because someone participated in, or even initiated this event did not mean that she was demanding to be given the Priesthood or misinterpreting her role God gave her.  My friend, who did choose to wear pants to church, explained to me the reasons she chose to do so.  I was really glad to hear from someone I respect the reasoning behind doing something that didn't make sense to me.  She wrote a letter to her friends and family outlining her support of this event that I'd like to share here:

"When I first heard about this event, I was excited. Mainly, because I’ve always wanted to wear pants to church, but was scared at what people might say, or even think. Then, as I read the supporters’ thoughts about why it was important to them, I realized that it wasn’t so much so I could wear pants; it was a way for me to silently show women who may feel uncomfortable at church that I care. It was a way for me to silently show women who have been hurt in some way that I care. It was a way for me to silently show women that I love them, that if they want to be at church, I want them there too, regardless of their dress, their political opinions, their testimony, or lack thereof, their outward appearance, etc. It was a way for me to silently show love and acceptance. Then, it exploded. And, my original fears to wear pants even before this event was created, were confirmed. It seems people do care. One argument I’ve seen here by those who don’t support this event is that Sacrament Meeting is not a place for a protest. I completely agree. I would be appalled if women, or anyone, stood up during Sacrament meeting with picket signs, or stood up during testimony meeting to openly criticize local leaders, our prophet, our church. But I didn’t think that’s what this was. I thought it was a silent effort to show people we care. And, I thought it would be an okay way of doing that, since there is nothing wrong with wearing nice pants to church, at least not doctrinally. I’m still scared to wear pants this Sunday. I’m scared about what people might say, or even think. I’m scared of being ridiculed or put down, just for writing this, which is just an honest reflection of my truest feelings. I’m scared for a lot of reasons. But, I’ll still wear pants. Not because I want to protest. Not because I have some agenda that I’m trying to promote. But, because regardless of whether you or I have seen it, there are women who are hurting. There are women who have left the church because the hurt was too much. There are women who remain at church who can’t show their true hurt and instead suffer silently. You may have never experienced it or seen it, but that doesn’t make it untrue. It doesn’t make their hurt invalid. This is a way for me to show that I love them and embrace them regardless."

Kudos to her for seeing an opportunity to serve others that I (and many others) neglected to see.  Another friend of mine wrote a blog post that also echoed this sense of unfair judgement.  I also appreciated her comments.

In my mind, the whole thing seemed like an attack on something I value more than most things: the role of women in this life.  I read a lot of articles about women complaining about not being given the priesthood, and it made me a little crazy reading interviews of women comparing women and the priesthood to blacks and the priesthood.  One article I read quoted an angry woman saying that she would be wearing pants in protest to gain the priesthood.  A large majority of the comments in favor and opposition of this event were negative or plain mean.  The shooting in Connecticut kind of threw me over the edge (not that it related to pants at all).  From my point of view, the group that started this event were just trying to stir the pot, and that made me mad.  My pot was doing just fine, thank you very much.  I just abandoned all patience for people complaining and treating others so horribly that I felt the need to say and defend something.  In my haste and frustration, I defeated my own purpose.  I sought to invite others to focus on what was important and just love the people around them.  In my efforts to defend Christlike love, I failed to show it myself.  While I was busy telling people why they were silly or ridiculous for not showing love, I denied them the love I demanded from them.  I don't even know who "them" is; the compilation of nameless individuals I did not agree with quoted in the news and on Facebook comments, I suppose.

In my post, I wrote: "Now, my version of appropriate dress for church, and that of the person sitting next to me may differ. And that's okay. What really matters is if we are prepared for the activity in which we have come to participate, namely worshiping the Lord. If you feel like you can come closer to God by wearing pants, or a snowsuit, or a tutu, then be my guest."

My friend commented: "Thank you for this. Sincerely. I appreciate when someone can recognize that their views might differ from someone else’s. The only thing I might say is, the tone of this blog post doesn’t make me feel like you would think it was okay if I had showed up to your ward wearing pants, even if my version of appropriate dress might differ from yours."

She's right.  Although I was sincere in my acceptance of whatever anyone chose to wear so long as they came to church, it doesn't really sound that way, does it?  I'm glad she helped me see an area I can work on.  I would hate for someone to feel alienated or judged just because I said the wrong thing or gave a wrong look, when in my heart, I really did just want to accept them.  I'll work on that.

It also wasn't fair of me to pass judgement without considering the true intentions of the individuals involved.  Well, it's not fair for me to pass judgement regardless.  Just because something frustrates me does not grant me permission to dismiss the feelings or thoughts of another person.  It doesn't matter whether I agree with a person or not for me to acknowledge that they may feel hurt or unjustly treated.

My friend shared a story with me of a time when she was unfairly treated (compared to a male in the same circumstance).  She continued by saying this:

"I was bullied. And I was oppressed. Now, I know this doesn’t happen all the time. I get that. But, shouldn’t we care that it has happened at all. And, shouldn’t we acknowledge that it happens more than we think it does. And, shouldn’t we show love and kindness to those women who have felt that way, even if we have never seen it. Shouldn’t we give them the courtesy of acknowledging that their feelings are real and valid instead of telling them they are ridiculous..."  

As I thought about her comments in response to my post, I found it humbling and pretty ironic.  The same scripture I quoted for "those silly people" to just get with the program and love everyone else, is the one that I should have been pondering as I dismissed "those silly people" and their need for others to mourn with them and comfort them.

She continues, "We should be a loving and accepting church. And, most of us are. But there are some that aren’t. And, we shouldn’t just ignore that and say they’re the minority because people are HURTING!!! Pants was just a simple way of acknowledging people who are different. Who want different things. Who feel differently. A way to open up dialogue on why they feel that way and what we can do as a church to help them feel more comfortable...Wearing pants was one way for me to say to them that even though this church’s focus is primarily on the family and you can’t have one of your own in this life, I love you and I want you here. I understand you might be uncomfortable and feel out of place, but I’m glad you’re here. If wearing pants helped ONE person to feel more comfortable, then it was well worth it.

I agree.  I hope I can show this outwardly better in the future.  I think this is a difficult thing to do a lot of the time because people are, in general, self-interested.  Don't get me wrong, just because I think it is difficult does not mean that I think it is impossible or not worth the fight. It is well worth it. People are self-interested (not to be confused with selfish or self-centered).  We tend to look at things from our own perspectives and fail to see reason in things we do not understand.  I, for example, sought to express my true desire for people to just love each other.  In doing so, however, I contributed to the hurt and became one of "those silly people" who I was admonishing.  I only saw my side of the issue and assumed that everyone else would agree with me because it was the only way I knew how to see the issue.

In my post, I wrote: "...but just be nice and love each other. "

My friend responded to my snippet of advice with: "I agree. The ironic thing I have seen this week, however, is people saying just that, but not showing it. Saying “wear what you want to church, but this is ridiculous” Saying “I don’t care what you wear to church” but then writing a blog post saying “I was glad to see that my ward choose not to use sacrament meeting as the time or place to draw attention to themselves…” What would you have done if I had been in your ward, the only one wearing pants yesterday. Would you have sat next to me, said hello to me, said it didn’t matter that I was wearing pants, you were just glad I was there? I do hope so! But then, would you still have blogged about how “ridiculous” or “silly” or “sad” it was that there were people who were wearing pants to church and making such a big deal about it? Because that to me is not being nice and loving each other. That, to me, is saying one thing and doing the complete opposite. Now, I know that I am most likely coming off as rude and un-loving. And, I’m sorry for that. I truly am. My goal in writing this was to give you a different point of view, to give you an idea on why someone may have done something so ridiculous. I cannot speak for the original creators of the event. I do not know what their end-goal is and I cannot say that I would do any other “demonstrations” to support that end-goal. All I can say is why I chose to participate yesterday. I hope this didn't offend you. It was not my intention. My intention was to show you that you know someone who wore pants to church yesterday. To show you one person's reasonings for doing it. To show you that there are different ways to look at things. And to give you MY perspective. Like I said, I can't speak for anyone else, this is just me."

Well...lesson learned.  I am so grateful to have a friend who took the time to kindly point out that I was being a meany-head and a hypocrite.  Even if it was well-intentioned, I definitely still have some things to work on. I don't want to be the mean kid or one of "those silly people."

So...today, I am grateful for the chance to repent and change my thinking a bit.  I am grateful that we really do get to "call redo" from time to time.