Their Proper Place

The past few months have been exciting for me. I have made a lot of changes in my life in an attempt to truly find joy in my journey. My journey of motherhood. My journey of teaching. My journey to being the healthiest and happiest version of me I can be. 

After each of my three boys were born, my body has obviously changed a lot, and my depression has become more prevalent. Over the past several years, my autoimmune disease has played a fairly big part in my health, and anxiety kept creeping back into the forefront of each day. While I have (and had) a wonderful life, I was becoming overwhelmed on a daily and sometimes hourly basis with...everything. All. of. the. things: My kids, my house, my body, the noise, projects, papers to be graded, lack of focus, feelings of inadequacy and failure, pure exhaustion, back problems, lack of energy, constant bubbling anger, guilt for constantly blowing up at my family...I felt out of control all the time.

Before marriage and kiddos:

After marriage and kiddos:

I decided I needed a change in a big way. Not just time to cut the grass, but time to re-landscape the whole yard. I have been watching several of my friends and acquaintances participate in a health and fitness program for the last year. Just sitting back, stalking them and scrolling past them while I laid on my couch eating Oreos and drinking Pepsi. Lots of Pepsi. RIP, Pepsi. In January, a new program launched called 80 Day Obsession, and a couple of my girlfriends dove in to do it. They had invited me many times to join them, but I was pregnant most of last year and simply didn't care enough to even think twice about doing it. I was sick all the time. I was tired all the time. My body wasn't in any state to exercise. And eating vegetables? Come on. Pregnancy was a good excuse to eat whatever I wanted. I deserved it, after all. I was making a human!! The very least I could do to help myself get through the day was eat whatever womb-service ordered, right?! 

Then after baby came...I had to recover! Who has time to sleep or eat right or exercise or study when you have a newborn? Not me! I've just been through a major ordeal. Someone else should be taking care of me, right? And my other kids. And my house. And my testimony. And my anger...

I might have another baby in a few years, so I should just accept the fact that I am fluffy now, and not waste the time trying to lose weight or get fit just to stretch it all out again, right?! RIGHT?! AMIRIGHT?! 

But guess what? That way of thinking started falling short. I started to hate waking up in the morning. I starting wishing I could send all my kids away and just lie in bed for a week. I started to become embarrassed about the about of TV I was watching just to escape the dread I had of living my own life. I walked into my closet each morning, stood there for minute upon minute, and walked out again determining that pajamas and yoga pants were acceptable attire for any and all activities, because everything else was uncomfortable and I was sick of continually buying a size larger everytime I bought new clothes. I felt like yelling all. the. time. I had stopped living a lot of my life in person and found myself spending hours scrolling aimlessly online. I wasn't doing anything to improve my situation or the postpartum slump. I was crying often. I felt like a victim; a hostage in my own life. 

Back to the girlfriends. January came and went. February came and went. March, April. My friends chatted and posted about their fitness journey from time to time, but I could tell they tried not to overwhelm me with it or throw it in my face. But, I learned a lot about it from them over many months. April came and their 80 day program was over. They were emotional and ecstatic about what they had accomplished. They cried about it. Finishing some silly workout videos and eating gross food out of containers? Cried about working out?! What?! What they were doing was pretty foreign to me. But it inspired me. 

I've always looked at "healthy people" or "fitness junkies" or "coaches" as "others." They are unlike me. They are born with something that I don't have. There is something natural about them that is different from what comes naturally to me. I am creative, organized, driven, high-achieving, perfectionistic...but fit? No, that's not me. Sports were always awkward for me. Running has usually made me want to die. Eating "health-nut" food is weird. And hard. And gross. And inconvenient. Besides that, I HATE cooking. I couldn't possibly start something like them and stick with it. 

BUT, what I was doing wasn't working either. I did not like the life I was living. I had everything I could ever really want, and I was unhappy. Plain and simple. I had a wonderful husband, a great house, cute kids, a perfect job for this phase in my life, all the modern comforts anyone could want, access to books and clubs and groups, a good, solid group of friends finally...but I was constantly miserable and whining. 

The changes came about slowly, I think just out of pure desperation to do something different. Anything. 

1. I went to my doctor and started with antidepressants. I got a list from my Walmart pharmacy of all of their $4/mo medications, took the list to my doctor, and told him to prescribe me one. This made a big difference for me. I watched lots of my family members struggle with depression, especially my mom. So, I've always been conscious of it. After I had my baby, we doubled my dosage. While it didn't make me change my personality overnight or anything, it gave me a stability that empowered me to react to life with more calm and more intention. Rather than everything being a knee jerk situation, I was able to stop and analyze more frequently.

2. I bought myself a paper planner. Although I didn't really have anywhere to be as a full-time mom, I felt the need to add structure to my life. I decided to live each day with more INTENTION. I heard about a cool planner lots of moms raved about and splurged on it. It has been so helpful! I love it!!! I get more done each day, I set goals, I focus on priorities instead of wandering about. It's been a game changer for me. It is my go-to notebook for everything I do or write. There was a page for new year's resolutions. I set a few and chose CALM as my word of the year. I'm still working on that, but it's getting so much better!

3. I bought a couple scripture for kids books (this one and this one...I want to get this one soon!). We started reading each night with Hyram. We are still working on making this a consistent habit, but it has been a really good change for us. Just the act of sitting down together with this purpose has been awesome for us. Hyram gets some one-on-one attention he desperately needs, we talk about our days, we pray together, we set goals...it has become a lot more than just the 5-10 minutes of reading we do each night.  

4. David and I started working our way through the whole program of His Needs, Her Needs just to strengthen our marriage. We got the book, the workbooks, and the DVD. We're still not through it yet, and we started it around November, but we have been actively trying to put the principles into play in our homelife. We've made a concerted effort this year to go on weekly dates as well, which has been a ton of fun. 

5. After my girlfriends' 80-day-container-cry-it-out craziness, I finally bit the bullet and decided to test the waters of the "health nuts" and see what might happen if maybe, just maybe I could be like them too. I signed up with a coach I had been following and admiring from a distance on social media (someone outside my immediate interaction circle) and kind of jumped in on a whim. No one would know, and if I failed, I wouldn't be out anything except the cost of the shakes and the online workout subscription. No big deal. I was wrong. First, one of my girlfriends that completed the 80 day program bore her soul to be about how much it had changed her life...so the beans got spilled that I had signed up. And second...it HAS been a big deal! It has changed so much for me!!!! Since all my girlfriends found out I was doing it, they huddled around me with support I didn't even know I needed and have checked in on me daily. My coach has posted something new to learn about and checked in on me daily. I have worked in a challenge group and checked in with them daily. I have started working out and following an EASY (way easier than I thought) nutrition plan eating simple, real food. 

6. I threw out all the junk food in our house and started only buying healthy options. I started using the Walmart Grocery app so I can shop on my phone. I don't have to go into the store with my kids, I don't have to smell the donuts or the hot french bread, and I don't make impulse purchases when I do this! I Love it! Get $10 off if you use this code to try it! My kids barely noticed and are eating better, and David has jumped on board in the last couple weeks too! 

7. I gave up Pepsi, cold turkey. I thought my life was going to end. But surprisingly, it didn't. I had to force myself to find something more suitable for breakfast (and snack...and second snack) everyday. 

8. I have committed to practicing personal and professional development each day. I started a Facebook group to read daily uplifting material with other like-minded people, and I have been so blessed from this habit! I've also started a book club, explored lots of new podcasts, and started reading many amazing books on my own. 

9. I scheduled a month of appointments with a chiropractor and am finally taking care of my back. This has made night and day difference for me. I was so weary about chiropractic care, but I am now a firm believer. 

10, I have set a goal to dedicate time everyday to live IRL. It's easy to get caught up online and on my phone. I am making time to put my phone down and play with my kids. Stop working and go out with my friends. Take a walk around the neighborhood and chat with neighbors. Living IN REAL LIFE is so critical to fighting depression and working on personal happiness!

So, with all these landscape changes...how is my life different? Let me tell you! I feel like I am getting to a place where I am LOVING THE LIFE I AM LIVING. Nothing has really changed...I don't have a bigger house or a more plentiful bank account...I didn't get any new shiny toys...but at the same time, I feel like everything has changed! I have found that as I take more time to care for myself, I am more capable of loving. Loving myself, loving others, loving life. My capacity to love is growing. As I take the time to develop relationships with God, my family, and others, I am finding more joy and satisfaction in each day. My sense of gratitude and joy is deepening. As I push myself to do hard things, I am feeling pride...something that is pretty new to me. And I like it! I really like feeling the sense of a job well done. I like getting to the end of a day and rather than looking at all the to-dos I didn't accomplish, being able to look at all of the ta-das I was able to conquer! I've lost 20 pounds and 1.5 shoe sizes (random, I know) in the past two months. I've enjoyed time with my family more. 

I believe the quote I posted at the start. "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives..." 

What seems to have fallen into its proper place for me?

Almost everything. I am feeling more balanced than ever, and I am loving it. Don't get me wrong. I am still a hot mess most days living the dream that is motherhood. Do I still go crazy and yell at my kids? Yes. But not as often. Do I still have bad days? Yes. But not as many. Is everything hunky-dory now? Not even close. But, everyday I am a little closer. Everyday I am a better version of me than I was yesterday. Everyday I get my ducks straighter in their rows and my grass more neatly trimmed. I'm feeling more positive, more confident and more excited about life. Am I exactly where I want to be yet? Of course not. But I am getting there day by day, and I'm learning to enjoy the journey. That's the whole idea, right?!

What has dropped out of my life?

Chicago Fire, Med and PD

The Good Doctor

American Housewife

Law & Order

Dancing with the Stars

American Idol

Netflix

20 pounds

1.5 shoe sizes

Some anxiety

A lot of depression

A lot of anger and agression

Pepsi

Some cheese and some carbs

Portion sizes that are too big for me

Some insecurities

And you know what? I'm okay with losing those things. 

Please let me know if you would like some support on your journey too! It's always better with a tribe to help you along the path!